Little Tremors

Just to get this out of the way...

petit_secousse

I'd love to hibernate with you, but my paranoia makes it all scary.

So this is the part where the new boyfriend gets to meet the members of the family. Unfortunately, my mom is still out of the country (and besides, they've met, just not officially), so off to my dad for Sunday lunch, then. It was relatively painless -- Alan had gone off for a CR break when I updated my father on the status. All he gave was a noncommittal nod of acknowledgement. When we got to my grandpa's house and he and my dad started talking about howitzers while watching programs on motorbikes and war gear, I took it as a sign of a safe landing and dozed off.

After that uneventful but nonetheless pleasant episode, we went to church together. I know, I sort of surprised him into it, but after our little chitchat on matters of faith, I didn't think he'd react so violently. Of course, he didn't (he even smiled, whatever that means), but I admit that perhaps I should've been a bit more sensitive and asked him first. But, no complaints so far...so I'll just keep a mental note on that one. Introspection can get stressful, no?

Now, the news! First LQ (read: lover's quarrel) last night. Well, I don't know if you can call it that, but it did get a bit upsetting. I'm still trying to figure out how I could have introduced the subject of the "nagging concept of your ex in my mind" more gracefully, but now I think that no matter how well I put it, a certain amount of displeasure would have still gotten involved. I did apologize, but perhaps I am only sorry for making him uncomfortable, and not for bringing it up. It was necessary to bring it out in the open, this bug of an issue, and besides, now he's been able to explain his reasons and motives. I don't have to go imagining things anymore (and being more of a pain in the process, with my heavy silence).

I've been trying to understand, and I guess, now I do. Still, I believe that a limit should be placed on things like repaying debts (especially unquantifiable ones), or else the cycle never ends and we lose more than we can afford to. I mean, just look at this debt-ridden country -- we're perpetually plagued with deficit and it's never going to end unless we firmly decide for it to stop now. Okay, long stretch, but you understand what I mean.

And I suspect he's still slightly bugged about it today, because even after we made up last night, he still keeps bringing up the non-fact that I picked a fight with him. I most definitely did not!

But hey, I don't want to have to get into that anymore.

Posted by petit_secousse at 04:18 PM | yes?

This is what happens after you type your 14th report for the day:

I know some people find this disturbing, but what the hey! It's such fun!

Posted by petit_secousse at 02:44 AM | yes?

Because there's no way I can still blog this tomorrow, given the number of foreseen lessons...

petit_secousse

Eric and I, faithful jeep-mates (cab-mates only on Fridays, we swear by the powers of Juanita and Trisha combined...), temporarily parted by circumstances which require me to cab it everyday (ha! inggit ka 'no?) to far-off Marikina, almost always have a lot to say to each other during our usual after-work breakfast. Exceptions include 14-lesson days, when all we can do is whine and mutter and 14-lesson days, when all we can do is doze off in the jeep/bus, hoping that we don't miss our stop and wake up in distant Farview. He's usually kind enough to wake up in the middle of the ride to remind me to please sit like a lady lest our fellow commuters catch a scandalous glimpse of my knickers. (No, I don't wear knickers, you twit!)

So just last week, we were discussing how tragic it must be to finally get everything you want, and how the supposedly boring adage about life being a journey and not a destination rings true for well, most, if not all of humanity (we hope, or else we were just being utterly presumptuous).

So it must be dangerous to live for only one thing, musn't it? When you finally achieve your only desire, you lose your purpose, which really just means you've lost everything. How ironic. How frustrating. This must be, truly, in Kundera's words, The Unbearable Lightness of Being.

(Images of the guy who hanged himself after finally (unbearably!) being freed from prison in that über kewl flick, The Shawshank Redemption appear. Gory.)

But why does Becoming, in all its beauty and necessity, have to be so darn painful? And if we are constantly becoming, as a requisite for our sanity, does this mean we have to become even just slightly masochistic in order to find happiness in the entire exercise?

The task seems Sisyphean, sure (endless, meaningless, rewardless blah...), but in fact it is not. Alan and I mentioned Man's insatiable desire to build the other day --perhaps there's a lot more space to build, demolish, and rebuild within ourselves (and it's a lot more eco-friendly, I tell you!). In the end, we will finally reach that state of contentment which feels neither static nor entrapping. Or at least that's how it should be or else I'm jumping out of the window barely two meters away from me right now (Tabloid headline: "Babae, Nagpatiwakal -- Patay!" or, on my headstone: "Here lies Noelle, who succumbed to the very existentialist angst she fought so hard to deny.".

And anyway, I don't even remember how we concluded our conversation.

Posted by petit_secousse at 04:01 AM | yes?

Are you happy now?

petit_secousse

Sure, so I can get catty. Sure, I blurt out brutal comments about other people once in a while. (Okay, so more often than that.) But gawd, there certainly is a big difference between being ~temporarily "evil"~ and acting like(an indication of being) a disgustingly offensive lower life form.

I was really annoyed this evening by that girl, that character from my present's past. No, I wasn't annoyed. I was disgusted. The things she said in those text messages were in such bad taste, my jaw must have dropped in disbelief (I was too disturbed to notice). They were not only uncalled for, they were also crude and offensive, things a person with the least bit of education and civility should not even consider saying. Especially not to a person already wronged, to someone just trying to move on with his life and be happy.

And it's not just him that she offended, because the attack was directed at me as well. What the heck for?! I don't even know her that well, as all I know is that she didn't recognize what she had when she did so she threw it away. Should she fault me for being able to see that hey, this guy is such a gift! He's so special I'm going to do everything I can to make sure he never gets hurt the way you hurt him ever again. He deserves to be happy...WE deserve to be happy, so just bug off!

Anyway, those text messages were just plain bastos. It's as simple as that. And now my opinion of her is more tainted than ever, because she acts as if she's purposely trying to earn disrespect. I have no issue about her being part of my boyfriend's past; I have an issue with her violating him verbally after everything that's happened in the past. As if those didn't constitute more than enough aggravation already.

It's time to move on, it's time for us to start rebuilding our lives and looking forward to beautiful things, great things we will be able to accomplish together. You, my darling, you deserve none of this crap from her, or from anyone for that matter. Your mindset is exactly what we need now, and I'm so glad you think this way: Magpakasaya na lang tayo. Because we are happy, after all. What we have now is worth so, so much-- genuine concern, sensibility, time for shared activities, playfulness, a sense of humor, flexibility, selflessness, and more: love, a mature understanding, honesty, and respect for each other. These, my dear, are so valuable and so hard to come by these days, and I'm absolutely thankful that we've been able to find them. No, we're not messing up this time, so tough luck for anyone who wants to ruin things for us. Masaya kami, heller!

Watch and learn. We'll show you how it's done.

Posted by petit_secousse at 02:40 AM | 2 cared to venture

Aves-vous du sucre?

petit_secousse

Wonderful, wonderful day. I may be a bit emotionally unstable now (I think I know why, but more on that later), but I had my first French lesson with Nhalu today. It's all good.

I'm really excited about learning French, because I really want to go back to Europe. After French, Italian! And then maybe Mandarin, but that's just because a lot of people are saying that the time will come when we'll have to know Chinese to be internationally competitive. Ah, whatever. Right now, it's just French for me. I was even supposed to take classes in Alliance Francaise, but that's in freaking Bel-Air, Makati. How do the forces of this earth expect me to make it there twice a week (mornings, too!) with the kind of schedule I keep? So anyway, that's why I'm so glad we can now avail of free lessons in the office. It's making me all giddy, really. I think I'm starting to get used to the nasal quality of the pronunciation bit, too. Awright.

Anyway, speaking of giddy, that's exactly how I felt today after our pizza-fluffernutter pig-out session early this evening. Me and my fellow foodie colleagues had garlic-mushroom-pepperoni-cheese delivered from Shakey's. After, we proceeded  to make our fluffernutter sandwiches, which are filled with marshmallow cream and peanut butter. But, since I broke up three bars of Toblerone and melted them in the microwave, we had "fluffer-s'mores" sandwiches instead. It was really piggy, especially since our marshmallow cream, care of Mik, was the strawberry sort, and therefore, well, pheenk!

Can you imagine that? Peanut butter spread on a slice of white bread, then rolled around a thick layer of pink marshmallow cream, generously drizzled with melted nougat-y chocolate. If you ask me about its nutritional value, I would be at a complete loss. But hey, it's so fun! Only problem is, I just crashed from my sugar high, so I almost feel like my see-saw partner just walked out on me, and...ow!

I do have a few statements on life, which I now impart to you, with all the fervor in my heart:

1. There is nothing simple about pizza.

2. Toblerone makes for the yummiest fondues. Best when ever-so-slightly burnt.

Posted by petit_secousse at 02:39 AM | yes?

28 Juin 2006, Mercredi

One month!

I'm so happy.

We shan't ever stop learning.

I love you.

Posted by petit_secousse at 11:52 PM | yes?

Needing Catharsis

It's during times like these when I realize just how worn-out I am. Of course, I'm not just talking about the physical; in fact it's not so much that as it is the emotional.

Perhaps I wouldn't feel this weight if I just gave up my attempts at patience and level-headedness for once. Maybe I should just go ahead and selfishly bitch whenever I feel like it, but I know that won't make me happy. That won't change anything, except of course to make things even worse. We decide on how we act, don't we? It's really up to us if we want to be proper, dignified people. I want that for myself, so there.

I'm still bugged, of course.

I don't know if I want to see him today, because he's been making me feel bad recently. Not that he ever means to. I'm just so frustrated, I want him to see what's really going on, but, not wanting to nag, I remain in my silence. The last time I tried to bring something up, it led to a quarrel. I am so not up for that sort of thing right now.

I know I have to bring this up with him sooner or later. I know I have to be honest with him and at least let him know how I feel about things, even as part of me is really hoping he'd get the idea on his own (because that part also believes he should know these things already).

For now, however, I'm focusing on my cardio workout, ballroom class, French lessons, and studying the syllabus for ballet tomorrow.

Bahala na kung hindi makapanood ng Superman bukas. Itutulog ko na lang muna ang pagod at sama ng loob.

Posted by petit_secousse at 04:07 PM | yes?