Little Tremors

Oh I love her so very very much!

 

Ladies and gentlemen, the incredible Audrey Tautou. Those eyes! Oh, I am absolutely enamored!

Posted by petit_secousse at 11:31 PM | yes?

Epiphany

 

Do you believe that there's such a thing as quarter-life crisis?

Right now, it seems to be the most convenient explanation for what I'm going through. There's a heavy weight on my shoulders nearly all the time, and I'm not quite sure where it's coming from. There are a hundred things that I could do, and I could think that they'd make things so much better, but the awful truth is: they won't.

And now I realize, perhaps I've been searching for gratification in all the wrong places, with all the wrong intentions. I examine myself, and try to determine, as honestly as I can, where I went wrong. There are so many areas where I could have gone wrong, it's too difficult to say what the defining mistake was. I'm not sure I even want to admit to all of my mistakes.

No choice. No choice, Noelle.

One thing I must confess to is my pride, something which I really need to temper. Because I can be all humble-looking and I can say sorry and always be the first to give in and try to make amends with the people around me, regardless of whether it was actually my fault. But what's this in my heart? Isn't it true that a little part of me is leaping up and down, rejoicing because oh I feel so virtuous today, oh you won't find anyone who'll be as patient with you as I am right now, and aren't I just an angel? And God, it hurts so much to admit this, because I only really show patience to the people I love, and I do not want the kindness with which I treat them to be tainted with this. It suddenly feels all fake, even if the love I feel for these people can never be more real.

I do not ever, ever want my acts of generosity, concern, patience, and love to be spoiled by my own selfishness.

Yes, I am more selfish than I appear, and I hate it, because a lot of my unhappiness comes from this fault. I am such a prisoner, and more than anything I just want to be set free from all of this, but I feel so damn weak.

No matter what I do, there's always something wrong with the picture. I do not mean to make my partner feel bad, or inadequate. Right now, I just want us to be happy. I don't want him to be saddled with the burden I unwittingly place on his shoulders. I don't want to be bothered by all these wrong expectations. Sure, I want to see the sparks, I want him to be more expressive, I want to feel like I'm being courted again, because it's true that we sort of skipped that stage. But there's something more that I need, which is to know that we're actually going somewhere. One month isn't much, I know, and we've got a long way to go, but I'm not consoled by this, and I don't really understand why.

It looks like I know where I'm going. I've got it all figured out, you know: learning French, getting that TESOL and CELTA certification soon, teaching English abroad. I'll be saving up, getting myself a rent-to-own townhouse or condominium unit by next year. Before I'm thirty I'll get married. I'll have even just one kid, I'll be successful, travel to different places. I'll be happy.

Or will I?

All of a sudden. I'm not sure.

So I'm thinking, I must have gotten it all wrong. I must have built up the wrong expectations, cut corners to get here, done something...I don't know. Then it occurs to me, this isn't just about me and my boyfriend, this is about me and my soul. There is something terribly wrong, that no matter how hard I try, there will always be something to complain about. And there's this nagging feeling, that hey, I know why now. There is a solution to this, a way to win back the peace that I so long for. The question is, am I willing to do what it takes, even if I may not always want to, to achieve that?

Can I ever find the strength to let go of my favorite sins and let Him take over? Will I ever be willing to be weak enough so that He can give me the strength that I know I won't ever have?

No, a big tragedy hasn't hit me. I haven't lost anything, it seems. In fact, I've got it pretty good -- a wonderful job, parents who love me, the truest, most beautiful friends anyone could ask for, a boyfriend who loves and takes care of me. I've been so blessed. But why does it feel like I'm about to hit rock bottom?

Yes, I think I know the answer. It's because He wants to bless me more by making me see how badly I need a Savior.

 

 

Posted by petit_secousse at 03:31 AM | 1 cared to venture

Symbiosis

The importance of listening is often overlooked. I know I've been guilty of taking this for granted in my entire history, particularly as a partner. This, of course, resulted in pained moments of alienation and disconnect. The stuff bitterness is made of.

I'm learning how to listen now. No it isn't about looking all attentive without really understanding anything. I look into your eyes as you speak, I hold your hand, I'm really feeling the moment as you recount it. Sometimes, I am surprised by the clarity with which I see the world through your eyes. I may not always agree, but I am genuinely, effortlessly interested in your life, and I understand. I appreciate you more, I feel so much more alive.

And you do the same for me. An interrupted story always has to be completed, and you draw it out of me, even though I may dismiss it as trivial. My words have weight when I share them with you; you remember the most negligible details. You look at me when I speak and it is never unimportant. You look at me, you hold my hand. You are really, truly there.

This must be what it means to share your life with someone. Susan Sarandon, in "Shall We Dance?" says we get married to have a witness to our lives. Nothing goes unnoticed, because you will be my witness, as I will be yours. Everything is valid, our experiences apart from and shared with each other. You will always be meaningful. I will never tire of listening to you, of knowing your heart, and always remembering who you are and what we have.

 

Posted by petit_secousse at 01:10 AM | yes?