Little Tremors

Are you happy now?

petit_secousse

Sure, so I can get catty. Sure, I blurt out brutal comments about other people once in a while. (Okay, so more often than that.) But gawd, there certainly is a big difference between being ~temporarily "evil"~ and acting like(an indication of being) a disgustingly offensive lower life form.

I was really annoyed this evening by that girl, that character from my present's past. No, I wasn't annoyed. I was disgusted. The things she said in those text messages were in such bad taste, my jaw must have dropped in disbelief (I was too disturbed to notice). They were not only uncalled for, they were also crude and offensive, things a person with the least bit of education and civility should not even consider saying. Especially not to a person already wronged, to someone just trying to move on with his life and be happy.

And it's not just him that she offended, because the attack was directed at me as well. What the heck for?! I don't even know her that well, as all I know is that she didn't recognize what she had when she did so she threw it away. Should she fault me for being able to see that hey, this guy is such a gift! He's so special I'm going to do everything I can to make sure he never gets hurt the way you hurt him ever again. He deserves to be happy...WE deserve to be happy, so just bug off!

Anyway, those text messages were just plain bastos. It's as simple as that. And now my opinion of her is more tainted than ever, because she acts as if she's purposely trying to earn disrespect. I have no issue about her being part of my boyfriend's past; I have an issue with her violating him verbally after everything that's happened in the past. As if those didn't constitute more than enough aggravation already.

It's time to move on, it's time for us to start rebuilding our lives and looking forward to beautiful things, great things we will be able to accomplish together. You, my darling, you deserve none of this crap from her, or from anyone for that matter. Your mindset is exactly what we need now, and I'm so glad you think this way: Magpakasaya na lang tayo. Because we are happy, after all. What we have now is worth so, so much-- genuine concern, sensibility, time for shared activities, playfulness, a sense of humor, flexibility, selflessness, and more: love, a mature understanding, honesty, and respect for each other. These, my dear, are so valuable and so hard to come by these days, and I'm absolutely thankful that we've been able to find them. No, we're not messing up this time, so tough luck for anyone who wants to ruin things for us. Masaya kami, heller!

Watch and learn. We'll show you how it's done.

Posted by petit_secousse at 02:40 AM | 2 cared to venture

Because there's no way I can still blog this tomorrow, given the number of foreseen lessons...

petit_secousse

Eric and I, faithful jeep-mates (cab-mates only on Fridays, we swear by the powers of Juanita and Trisha combined...), temporarily parted by circumstances which require me to cab it everyday (ha! inggit ka 'no?) to far-off Marikina, almost always have a lot to say to each other during our usual after-work breakfast. Exceptions include 14-lesson days, when all we can do is whine and mutter and 14-lesson days, when all we can do is doze off in the jeep/bus, hoping that we don't miss our stop and wake up in distant Farview. He's usually kind enough to wake up in the middle of the ride to remind me to please sit like a lady lest our fellow commuters catch a scandalous glimpse of my knickers. (No, I don't wear knickers, you twit!)

So just last week, we were discussing how tragic it must be to finally get everything you want, and how the supposedly boring adage about life being a journey and not a destination rings true for well, most, if not all of humanity (we hope, or else we were just being utterly presumptuous).

So it must be dangerous to live for only one thing, musn't it? When you finally achieve your only desire, you lose your purpose, which really just means you've lost everything. How ironic. How frustrating. This must be, truly, in Kundera's words, The Unbearable Lightness of Being.

(Images of the guy who hanged himself after finally (unbearably!) being freed from prison in that über kewl flick, The Shawshank Redemption appear. Gory.)

But why does Becoming, in all its beauty and necessity, have to be so darn painful? And if we are constantly becoming, as a requisite for our sanity, does this mean we have to become even just slightly masochistic in order to find happiness in the entire exercise?

The task seems Sisyphean, sure (endless, meaningless, rewardless blah...), but in fact it is not. Alan and I mentioned Man's insatiable desire to build the other day --perhaps there's a lot more space to build, demolish, and rebuild within ourselves (and it's a lot more eco-friendly, I tell you!). In the end, we will finally reach that state of contentment which feels neither static nor entrapping. Or at least that's how it should be or else I'm jumping out of the window barely two meters away from me right now (Tabloid headline: "Babae, Nagpatiwakal -- Patay!" or, on my headstone: "Here lies Noelle, who succumbed to the very existentialist angst she fought so hard to deny.".

And anyway, I don't even remember how we concluded our conversation.

Posted by petit_secousse at 04:01 AM | yes?

This is what happens after you type your 14th report for the day:

I know some people find this disturbing, but what the hey! It's such fun!

Posted by petit_secousse at 02:44 AM | yes?

Just to get this out of the way...

petit_secousse

I'd love to hibernate with you, but my paranoia makes it all scary.

So this is the part where the new boyfriend gets to meet the members of the family. Unfortunately, my mom is still out of the country (and besides, they've met, just not officially), so off to my dad for Sunday lunch, then. It was relatively painless -- Alan had gone off for a CR break when I updated my father on the status. All he gave was a noncommittal nod of acknowledgement. When we got to my grandpa's house and he and my dad started talking about howitzers while watching programs on motorbikes and war gear, I took it as a sign of a safe landing and dozed off.

After that uneventful but nonetheless pleasant episode, we went to church together. I know, I sort of surprised him into it, but after our little chitchat on matters of faith, I didn't think he'd react so violently. Of course, he didn't (he even smiled, whatever that means), but I admit that perhaps I should've been a bit more sensitive and asked him first. But, no complaints so far...so I'll just keep a mental note on that one. Introspection can get stressful, no?

Now, the news! First LQ (read: lover's quarrel) last night. Well, I don't know if you can call it that, but it did get a bit upsetting. I'm still trying to figure out how I could have introduced the subject of the "nagging concept of your ex in my mind" more gracefully, but now I think that no matter how well I put it, a certain amount of displeasure would have still gotten involved. I did apologize, but perhaps I am only sorry for making him uncomfortable, and not for bringing it up. It was necessary to bring it out in the open, this bug of an issue, and besides, now he's been able to explain his reasons and motives. I don't have to go imagining things anymore (and being more of a pain in the process, with my heavy silence).

I've been trying to understand, and I guess, now I do. Still, I believe that a limit should be placed on things like repaying debts (especially unquantifiable ones), or else the cycle never ends and we lose more than we can afford to. I mean, just look at this debt-ridden country -- we're perpetually plagued with deficit and it's never going to end unless we firmly decide for it to stop now. Okay, long stretch, but you understand what I mean.

And I suspect he's still slightly bugged about it today, because even after we made up last night, he still keeps bringing up the non-fact that I picked a fight with him. I most definitely did not!

But hey, I don't want to have to get into that anymore.

Posted by petit_secousse at 04:18 PM | yes?

Testing the waters (unsent letter, as usual)

petit_secousse

A sepia print of our bright smiles is secured by a photoclip on my desk. I stare at it all day: while explaining past perfect continuous to my learners, while listening to jazz tunes during my thirty-minute break (now 19-minute, as I type).

It always a bit jarring, this experience of adjusting to a new relationship. There is more sweetness, definitely (asan ang hugs and kisses ko? luv yah!), more mundane exchanges, even (kumain ka na? palitan mo na yang dance tights mong puro butas, one hundred lang naman pala eh...). There is more involvement in each other's lives, more freedom to show our unpleasantness (oy, umamin ka, nagsusungit ka kanina!), and more freedom to demonstrate concern and affection.

I'm afraid. This is all making me so afraid, because it's a nice start, but I don't know how long it will last. Call me paranoid, but I've been through enough. I've earned the right to say, "Tama na, no more games."

And I know, honey, that you're not here to play games either. It's just that everytime I'm alone in these unholy hours, my mind wanders into scary places, remembering where I've been before, and wondering, so I wonder what the worst case scenario is?

But I trust in you, I respect you, I know you're sensible and practical, despite fleeting moods and spur-of-the-moment impulses.

So take me out of these dark places, and cover me. Look into my eyes and tell me again. Silence these uncertainties.

I lay on your lap this afternoon, my eyes closed. You stroked my hair, your palm gently grazing my forehead. You told me about something which has been bothering for sometime, something worrying you a bit more recently. I held your hand. We'll get through this.

Now if only I can stop missing you all the freaking time...

Posted by petit_secousse at 02:07 AM | yes?

"Life is difficult, but it is beautiful."

petit_secousse

I know I've said this many times before, but my strengthening attachment with some of my students is most undeniable.

Tears actually formed in my eyes today as one of my dearest told me about an motoring accident his eldest son met while vacationing in Thailand. Limbs broken, the son had to undergo an operation during the weekend. Now this learner of mine is a very loving father who declares his family, especially his kids, his religion. This is the same man who keeps calling his youngest daughter his "beautiful star." I could hear the worry in his voice; it was heart-wrenching.

He says his son might be disabled for about half a year. He doesn't even know when exactly his son can return home to France. His voice started to break, but I could almost see him struggling to muster a smile as he said: "Life is difficult, but it is beautiful, right, Noelle?"

Imagine that scene from Amelie where she melts and collapses into a water puddle. That's exactly how I felt.  

*sniff*

And here comes the part where I just want to hug him and say. "Your son's going to be fine! It's all a joke, he's perfectly all right!"

Then again, I suppose these are the moments when he feels most blessed, because of the precious treasures he's been given. And, after all, his son is out of danger now.

Now I understand what my boss was telling me about the sincerity of the French. It might not be so easy to get through to them, but when you do, they can the most steadfast people you will meet.

My learner and I proceeded to discuss an article on anti-social behavior in Europe, which quickly turned into a discussion on religious intolerance and the economic wars. This is not the good way to live life, he told me. It is difficult, but we need to change. My religion is my family, my children.

And we agreed: We construct our reality. Our personal decisions make all the difference.

It's been a long time since I was so inspired. Thank you, thank you so much,  F.M.

Posted by petit_secousse at 12:57 AM | yes?

"It feels great, actually."

petit_secousse

Posted by petit_secousse at 02:23 PM | 2 cared to venture

As I sip my glassful of overpriced milk...

petit_secousse

...and listen to Kula Shaker's Shower Your Love on Me, I wonder why Sven can't bring me German snow in the middle of summer. He's going to be on vacation in Bremen from Friday to sometime in September and he said take care, so I asked for German air. Or snow in the middle of summer. He replied in his best German accent via SMS, "wala eh." And he finally agreed when I declared, "Magic!" And perhaps he will bring me German snow in the middle of summer.

And my mother's going on a trip, too. Arizona. A make-or-break deal, so I told her to make it. No, I don't mean it has to be contrived, I just mean we all make decisions and if we want something enough, we should make the right decisions to help us get it. Paulo Coelho said something about the entire universe conspiring to help you get something you really desire. I say you should be in on the entire conspiracy.

So I'm staring at my (imitation) tupperware-full of what they on the 11th floor call carbonara. I can't eat this muck. I'm so malnourished, and I'm not even as thin as I want to be. So I take another sip of full cream milk, forty-five frigging bucks, thank you very much. I value my health.

Posted by petit_secousse at 03:05 AM | yes?

Words Get In the Way

petit_secousse

At syempre, supalpal ako, with only a text message:

Posted by petit_secousse at 12:46 AM | 2 cared to venture